WEB EXCLUSIVE

Somewhere in my closet lies a highlighter-covered piece of paper. The headline reads “2018-2022 Vision Board”. 

The summer of 2018, before my freshman year, I sat down with my mom to talk about my goals for the next four years. She took out a piece of cardstock and some markers, and helped me make a vision board. I wrote down everything I wanted and wanted to be by my senior year. 

I envisioned my senior year self as someone who was friendly and outgoing, involved in the school, and confident- the opposite of who I was in middle school. She was smart but not too smart, had a small group of close friends but got along with everyone, and the Editor-in-chief of the school newspaper. 

Now a senior in high school, I found this piece of paper and looked over it. I felt like I was reading how I would describe myself today, and I realized that I got everything I wanted. The editor position, a solid friend group, and class rank. But as conceited as it sounds, it doesn’t feel as great as I always imagined it would. 

I’m proud of who I’ve become, I really am. I’ve grown so much since my freshman year, I worked hard to put myself out there, to step out of my comfort zone; and it’s paid off. 

But I’m not happy- I can’t say I’ve had one good week this school year. I find myself asking the same question over and over again: I got everything I thought I wanted, so why am I still so unhappy? 

What I’ve come to realize is that placing so much value in achievements or positions is not what will truly make me happy, especially in high school.

I think that setting those goals for myself as a freshman gave me something to work towards, and there is something to be said for that. However, where I went wrong was consuming myself in this idea that my life will magically be perfect once I get to where I want to be. I’ve found that to be extremely untrue. 

My life isn’t perfect at all, and any title or award I have won’t change that in the long run. Yes, it is rewarding to have achieved my goals, but I’m realizing that there’s more to life than who you were in high school.